I'm a Big Loser. So Why Do I Feel Bad?

Last year I started The Biggest Loser at work. Participants pay each month, weigh in, and the winner each month gets a cash prize. (This year, we doubled the entry fee and half of the money is going to the local food bank.)

Last year, I didn't win at all. This year, however, I am sweeping the competition. For the month of February, I lost 17.7 pounds and was winner of $95. This month, since I did my IVF, I told myself I would be happy to just maintain. I wasn't pushing myself to lose, I didn't exercise much, and I ate like crap (including a whole box of Tagalongs and a piece of pudding pie two days ago.) Well, when we weighed in this morning, I had lost 6 pounds. 6 pounds in a month is not great for someone as big as me. I was SURE someone would beat me.

Well, no one did. I am the Biggest Loser AGAIN.

But, I am not rejoicing. Why? Because I am a crazy, co-dependent kook, that's why.

I feel as if someone else should have won. After all, I didn't do my best. AND, I organized the thing. Now, I am super self-conscious, and I am thinking everyone is scrutinizing me because I am the one taking down the weights and doing the math (which I triple-checked to make sure.) I think I need to chill. After texting my husband that I had won but I felt guilty, he texted back, "F that. U r a winner." Now that's a great husband.

I just wish I could feel better about this.