Worrywart

I have been very worried, worried when I feel cramps and twinges, worried when I don't...

I am so happy to be nauseous most of the time because when the nausea goes away, I worry. I worry more with every person I tell (I have stopped telling until we see the ultrasound tomorrow.)

I feel my boobs about once every half hour to make sure they still hurt, and I have been Googling the crap out of Google. I am glad to be at work. At least that is somewhat of a distraction. I am so worried they are going to find a dead baby tomorrow.

It is such a shame that IF has robbed me of a normal, happy pregnancy.

Crazy With Worry

My ultrasound isn't until Saturday, and I am going crazy with worry. I keep thinking this couldn't be the real thing. I feel my boobs every 20 minutes to make sure they still hurt, and I welcome waves of nausea, happy that my hormone levels must still be rising.

And with every person I tell, I get more nervous. I feel like I am "jinxing" myself.

I have stopped running, and I feel somewhat depressed. I thought I would be ecstatic when I finally got a positive, but I feel more anxious and depressed than I did during an IVF cycle. Then, of course, I wonder if my worry and depression is going to cause something to go wrong...

Oh, Lord. Can I make it through the next 7 months?

The Results Are In...

Got my Beta results this morning...

32,300!! I still can't believe this. It is a true miracle. Miracle.

I am soooooo worried now that I will miscarry. This is too good to be true. I feel like it couldn't happen to me, even though it happens every day without problems to other people. But not me. This can't be happening. I am going to be a nervous wreck for the next 9 months. I am even afraid to say "9 months" for fear I will jinx things.

Not to complain about anything right now, but I do have a migraine and it sucks that I have to go off of my allergy medicines when the pollen count is through the roof this year! And I was supposed to start allergy shots this week, too. I read that you shouldn't start them when you are pregnant. That's another question for the docs.

My mind is racing. I can't eat, sleep, or work. I am just in shock...

Dazed and Confused

I am in shock. Complete and utter "I must be going crazy or stuck in another dimension" shock.

I think I am pregnant.

Holy crap.

I picked up a box of HPTs after work with the presumption they would be negative and I would have to call my doctor to see what was up (my last period was March 24, and, of course, I immediately assumed it was just an ovulation problem or something.) When I dipped the test in my urine, the lines appeared immediately and were DARKER than the control. So... I jumped around my bathroom with my pants around my ankles, squealing with delight. Then, I double checked the pamphlet to make sure there were supposed to be 2 lines. Perhaps I picked up one of those Bizarro HPTs that show two lines for a negative, I thought.

Then, I went crazy, called my doctor to schedule a blood test, called my husband, and started my Googling...

The blood test was this morning. I will know for sure tomorrow morning, and this 2-day wait is much worse than any 2-week-wait I ever went through. I keep thinking it has to be a fluke. There is no way I can get pregnant by having sex. No way.

Slackeritis

Sorry for the lapse... I have had Blogger Slackeritis for a few weeks.

Well, a lot has happened...

I ran a few 5Ks and did pretty well. The first was a trail run, and I have to report that Slow and Steady does NOT win the race, but I finished in the middle of the pack and wasn't last in my age group (yes, there's a 30-34 year-0ld who actually sucked worse than me!) I was very proud of myself, considering I was paralyzed three years ago and now I'm running 5Ks.

The second 5K was actually a race-walk up Mt. Summit, 3.5 miles straight uphill (The people who ran this one need their heads examined.) I finished pretty well that time, too. This time I beat more people in my age group! My sister-in-law and friend wanted to run back down the hill, and I said, "What the hell." So I ran. That was a total of 7 miles that day! Since then, I have been running at least 2 miles a day, trying to get in 3 most days. I have caught the bug! Next race: Memorial Day!

I have lost more weight and finally broke a huge milestone!! I have lost a total of 43 pounds since February, and I am down 85 from my "hospital weight." Everyone is complimenting me... I even confiscated a note one day from a 7th grader that said, "Does Mrs. Kristen look skinier?" I was so happy a 7th-grader noticed anything other than herself that I didn't even bother to correct her spelling OR give her a detention for passing notes.

Amid all of this positivity, my father-in-law died. It was very hard and stressful, especially since there was no spouse to take care of arrangements. So we (the four brothers, me, and my SIL) were left to take care of everything.

On the baby front, I had decided to not even think about conceiving. I wanted to get my weight under control, get more healthy, and concentrate on running races. No such luck. Even when you don't want to think about it, it will force you to!! My period is very late (my last was March 24), and I do not want to take a test because I am afraid it will be another negative. I mean, who am I to think I could actually get pregnant by just having sex around ovulation time?!?! Silly me!!! I am crampy and irritable, so AF's probably on her way, anyway...