After 3 unsuccessful IUIs (which I later found were pretty much a joke for someone in my predicament), I went on to the great IVF.
Oh, yes, the great frontier of the once highly-anticipated IVF. They put in two perfect 8-celled, A quality embryos. I remember thinking, "This is it! I will be in maternity clothes in no time." I began making plans for my pregnancy. My retrieval and first transfer were at the end of August, and I was hoping the baby would be born on my birthday... The whole two-week-wait was filled with wonder and excitement. Many HPTs were bought, and I remember rushing home to take them...
On the day of my blood test, I felt like it was an eternity. Then the BFN call came, and I was devastated. I cried on the phone to the nurse, cried to my friends who had been waiting with anticipation, cried all weekend...
Then I got myself right back up for a frozen cycle. 3 embryos this time. All great quality, also. 8 and 7-celled beauties.
I was a little less excited, but still looked forward to the future. Maybe we could tell everyone at Thanksgiving! That would be great!
Then, another BFN.
I cried, I ate Ho-Hos, I drank lots of wine.
Then I pulled myself up again.
We went in for another frozen cycle with 6 embryos left, thinking 3 this time, three next time...
Well, 2 died.
So we put in the last 4.
The dreaded BFN. In the same week we get the great announcement that my cousin's wife is pregnant. Grand.
Exhausted and emotionally spent, I decide that I can at least enjoy the holidays...
In January, I went to be checked for blood problems, and they found some clotting issues, including MTHFR. I was pissed. My doctor couldn't have tested me BEFORE all this?
Yesterday I had retrieval for the next round of disappointment.
Stay tuned...
You sound like me. I believe I referred to my last 2ww as a "death march"...I just *knew* it would be another failure. I was wrong. I hope you're wrong, too. But if you're not...and you need to come verbally beat the crap out of some nameless, faceless, imaginary pregnant ladies, you know where to find us.
ReplyDelete: ) I hope I'm wrong, too. I am very happy that it has FINALLY happened for you. I would never be angry at my fellow IF girls, finally pregnant or not.
ReplyDeleteI would totally understand if you needed to be or couldn't help being angry at me. I remember it being difficult to hear even of IF pregnancies. This crap really messes with a person and you think things you never, ever thought you would in a million years. I wrote a post on the blog about the IF girl inside never going away, even if you get pg. I still feel like the same angry, disillusioned, low-self-esteem failure that IF turned me into. I hope it goes away, but I'm not counting on it. Grrrrrrr...I want my old self back. This is your second fresh IVF, right? So even though you've had a bunch of FETs...it's really only your second shot at a fresh cycle? Hopefully it's not as doomed as it feels. But I totally get the "doomed" feeling. I think I always convinced myself it would be a failure so I could start getting ready for the disappointment.
ReplyDeleteActually, KB, I may have been mad at you, but I read that post about the IF girl never going away and it made me sad, instead. It really sucks that you aren't given the opportunity to enjoy pregnancy. That is why I could never be mad at you or anyone who dealt with IF and doesn't forget it.
ReplyDeleteIt's cool. If you need to me to slap myself at any point...I can probably do that. I'm not sure I could bring myself to punch myself in the face, though. :P
ReplyDeleteI think maybe if we hadn't tried "naturally" for 7 years before starting IVF stuff, maybe I wouldn't be so changed, so angry, so doom and gloom. But all that time, all those months and months of failure...I got used to being a certain way, protecting myself, and being angry at the world (most especially fertiles.)