Anxiety

My anxiety has been going a bit haywire lately. Greg's dad is very ill, not eating, on oxygen...

This is really affecting me pretty badly. It is bringing up many thoughts and memories of my dad's death, as well as other things from the past that I would rather forget.

We met with the hospice nurse on Wednesday. She gives him a month, tops. Greg and I sat with him yesterday, and he slept the whole time. Ryan, the aide, said he had been sleeping all day.

In other news...

My weight loss is progressing. I have lost 8 pounds more this month, for a total of 33 pounds since February and a total of 60 pounds since my heaviest. I am happy about that, but I am wondering if this weight loss has brought up some anxieties. It is common for someone losing weight to encounter memories of difficult times. It is like they were literally being buried by fat. It is an interesting concept. I started back with my therapist. I hope that helps.

Along the baby front, I am hopeful that my weight loss may make a difference. (You have to find hope somewhere.) We are even trying timed intercourse (Ha! That's a laugh! Haven't tried that for 4 years.) It works for other people, maybe it will work for me... I have an appointment May 4 to talk to another RE. I am hoping she has a different perspective.

I'm a Big Loser. So Why Do I Feel Bad?

Last year I started The Biggest Loser at work. Participants pay each month, weigh in, and the winner each month gets a cash prize. (This year, we doubled the entry fee and half of the money is going to the local food bank.)

Last year, I didn't win at all. This year, however, I am sweeping the competition. For the month of February, I lost 17.7 pounds and was winner of $95. This month, since I did my IVF, I told myself I would be happy to just maintain. I wasn't pushing myself to lose, I didn't exercise much, and I ate like crap (including a whole box of Tagalongs and a piece of pudding pie two days ago.) Well, when we weighed in this morning, I had lost 6 pounds. 6 pounds in a month is not great for someone as big as me. I was SURE someone would beat me.

Well, no one did. I am the Biggest Loser AGAIN.

But, I am not rejoicing. Why? Because I am a crazy, co-dependent kook, that's why.

I feel as if someone else should have won. After all, I didn't do my best. AND, I organized the thing. Now, I am super self-conscious, and I am thinking everyone is scrutinizing me because I am the one taking down the weights and doing the math (which I triple-checked to make sure.) I think I need to chill. After texting my husband that I had won but I felt guilty, he texted back, "F that. U r a winner." Now that's a great husband.

I just wish I could feel better about this.

Learning to Be Child-Free

For 5 years, I have been resisting life without children. I have seen my infertility as a curse, a roadblock in the way of what "I was born to do," a punishment from God.

I have been trying to change my way of thinking. Maybe this child-free existence isn't all bad. Who am I to tell God when I am ready to be a mother? Obviously, he knows more than me. So, I am going to try to make the best of this situation by not making myself crazy and depressed anymore by thinking about the negative side to being child-free. Instead, I am going to think of the reasons I am glad to be child-free (at least for now.)

1. When I am trying to lose weight, I cannot have snacks in my house. Every parent I know has a kitchen stocked with snacks. If that was my kitchen, I would be 300 pounds!

2. I can't function without a full night's sleep.

3. I love to sleep past 6 a.m.

4. I can go where I want, when I want, without making sure the baby is dressed, fed, in a car seat, blah, blah, blah...

5. I can go out in public without constantly worrying that my kid is behaving or occupied.

6. My husband and I get along great! (I watch many marriages fall apart after children.)

7. I can get drunk without worrying that I might have to tend to my children later.

8. Teenagers. 'Nuff said.

9. I can get a shower or a bath alone.

10. I can have sex with my husband without watching the door 0r worrying that I will hear, "Mommy, what's daddy doing to you?"

11. I can make plans without first saying, "Let me see if I can get a sitter."

No fair

My husband's dad is very sick. He has stomach cancer. It is amazing he is still alive, because when he was diagnosed in 2008, the doctor told him 3 months. Almost two years later, he has fooled everyone!

But, he is now so weak that he needs constant supervision. So we are making arrangements. The doctor is saying he may pass within a few months.

This is bringing back many terrible memories for me, as we watched my dad succumb to ALS two years ago. As we were walking the other night, my husband and I talked about how horrible it was to watch my dad deteriorate. He said, "It's no way to live." I cried. Right there on the sidewalk in front of the crazy lady's house. I don't like to remember my dad suffering.

Greg's dad has become like my own father, and I am afraid of losing another one.

It's just not fair that we have to deal with Infertility and the death of both of our fathers, as well as my illness, all in the span of 3 years. Not fair at all. I just want to throw a temper tantrum like a toddler. "NO FAIR! NO FAIR!"

But, as my mom will so chirpily remind me every time, "Life's not fair." So, we will trudge through...

Back to the Drawing Board

Well, I was right...

My beta was negative. Again.

Perfect lining, perfect embryos, not-so-perfect result.

I am convinced something is going on that I have not been tested for. Perhaps an autoimmune response. With my history of unknown autoimmune disease, it makes sense to me. Call it women's intuition, but I can visualize my uterus bitch-slapping those poor, beautiful embryos to death.

Well, making lemonade of the situation, there are many things I use to help myself through BFNs:

1. I am now looking forward to losing more weight. I have lost 60 pounds since I was in the hospital 3 years ago, 25 of which have been in the past few months. I won The Biggest Loser at work, losing 18 pounds in the month of February. Despite my IVF cycle, I managed to lose almost 10 pounds this month, too!!! (That is what I am shooting for as soon as my menstrual bloating goes away.)

2. I am going to take charge and call another clinic today, one that boasts 60% success rates for patients under 35. I feel really good about moving forward in this fashion. A new set of eyes, a new philosophy, a new hope.

3. After a failed cycle, it makes me feel better to picture all of my babies coming out as teenagers. Not so cute.

4. I am going to enjoy some wine this weekend. Cheers!

5. I am going to get back to my husband. We are still so in love (more than when this started), and I am going to work on giving him more attention. I am so wrapped up in myself during the 2ww (a.k.a., Death March, as my friend KB so wonderfully puts it) that I forget about him. Isn't this all about us, anyway?

Afraid It's All Over

I am afraid IVF#4 has not taken. I am feeling cramping that gets more and more pronounced as I get closer and closer to the time of my PIO shot, then disappears after the PIO. I am pretty sure AF wants to show, and the PIO is keeping it from coming. This is the same pattern as all three other failures, and I am not going to be convinced otherwise. People say, "It could be implantation cramping." But I am pretty sure that is not the case. It is the same exact cramping, in the same style, each time beginning about 6 or 7 dp3dt and lasting until I finally get the word of a negative and am told to stop PIO.

I am also feeling very guilty because the cramping began right after I had taken a migraine medication that is in Class C. I am afraid a property of the medication which causes narrowing of blood vessels could be to blame.

My husband is being supportive of my emotions, but I am tired of him wanting me to be positive. I am just trying to make it to Beta Day.

Feeling Blah

Perhaps it is the fact that my husband snored all night while my cats played home run derby in my bedroom, or maybe it is the migraine that I went to bed with that just wouldn't quit, but I woke up this morning in a baaaad mood.

I have spent the last few hours brooding & feeling sorry for myself. It is amazing how I was so happy two weeks ago, and now I feel like my world is crashing.

My husband keeps telling me to "think positive," but it is difficult to even think that anything positive could happen to me after all of the crap I have been through. Even though I know it won't make it any easier, my subconscious wants to protect me. I keep visualizing my evil uterus shooting down those poor, innocent embryos before they ever had a chance.

I have been looking into adoption, but it is so expensive.

It's exhausting to be positive.